Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
