Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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