so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
