Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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