I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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