a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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