I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
