I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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