Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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