Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
