he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Randomize
