im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
