My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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