There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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