We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
