I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
