You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
