I think I died a long time ago.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
