There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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