Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
