I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
