I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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