If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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