I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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