Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
