all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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