she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
