so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
