i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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