when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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