so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Who died my cat blue again?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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