he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
