i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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