Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
