I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
