textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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