She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
