Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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