Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
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