just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
