That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
