I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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