watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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