On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
