Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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