I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
