Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
