At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
