i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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