we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
